My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
