Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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