oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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