honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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