I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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