I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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