Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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