I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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