I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
