mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
