If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
