Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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