i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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