you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
