Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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