You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
