I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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