She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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