Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
