went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
