my soul wont recognize me after tonight
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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