I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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