I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
