You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
