My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
