I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
