Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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