This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
