Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just want to make out with him forever
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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