I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
