How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
