Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
