my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
