White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
