i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
They are going to name an STD after you.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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