You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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