you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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