After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
40s are totally the cure
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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