Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
