Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
