I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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