Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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