I accidentally had phone sex last night
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
