gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
