.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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