I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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