Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
