About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
