And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I think my vagina is haunted
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
