Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
