i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
